desperate housewife

I will be joining the rest of the world (minus 2.5 million ) in the workforce, beginning monday.  I will be leaving housewifedom, along with the perks and elements of desperation, at the same time.  One secondary gain I really hope for is that I won't miss my husband so much during the day.  My working doesn't change the fact that we're not together; but it'll make it that much easier to forget.  Once I forget, I wonder if I'll ever remember to care again?  Togetherness and Seperateness.  The more together you are, the sharper the seperateness feels.  The more you know someone, the clearer it becomes that they aren't just an extension of yourself.  They have their own will and an existence entirely independent from yours long, long before you showed up.  This isn't just your spouse, but even the most ancient of all creators.

that biological clock

Do you ever wonder if the Chinese value of having children, soon...hurry! soon! is what brought the nation to becoming so overpopulated, that there's not enough food or energy to go around, resulting in the present one-child policy? Children are a blessing, I agree with that, but the wishes to the couple at the wedding is "Best wishes on having children!!! soon!!"  I'm very thankful for all the good wishes we recieved at our HK banquet; the ones that stood out to me were the ones about procreating (soon!!)  I can't think of an American form of that blessing.  In a way, it does make having kids right away easier, because you know everyone will be happy for you.  Wheras, I think in the states, at least in the urban culture at my age, the initial reaction would be "what?!?  She's pregnant, already?" (btw, to clear suspicions, I'm not).  The popular wisdom to be married for atleast a year, build the marriage, and then start thinking about kids.  In general, I think that is pretty wise.  But that enthusiastic expectancy I felt in HK did make me start thinking..."ya, why not now?"  

It's so complicated being a woman.  Women are often judged, no matter what, by other women.  You should get work experience!  Be realistic; you gotta go work after having a baby.  She's pregnant, already?!  You don't like children? (you're selfish)  Everyone has their own opinion.  It often makes things even more confusing.  

I think it's sometimes born of a reaction to your own ideals being challenged, which I myself am not immune to.  I used to have a really big problem with girls who graduate from high school and are waiting to get married and become a mom.  I used to have a problem with that because it challenged everything I saw growing up.  But then I also came to have a problem with couples both working demanding jobs, and children being raised by grandparents/nannies.  I had a problem with women having children early.  I questioned the wisdom of having children later in life.  All in all, I think I've come to hate and want all the different ways women choose, or had to, live out their lives.  I've critiqued most ways, mostly because they all gave me personal emotional reactions, however subtle.  However, now that I'm getting closer to actually having my own children (again, i'm not pregnant) I've come to be at peace with with all the different lives women have.  The fact is, there are many life circumstances, family history, financial factors, that come into play.  Sometimes, it's more about those than ideals.  Because there are so many factors we can't see or understand, we really aren't the best judge of another.  In general, I guess.  Cuz then I think of "octomom" which left me a bit speechless.  

  

pissed off man

As I was enjoying my coffee and the newspaper that I borrowed from my "nabe" at the Starbucks ten steps from my apartment, this pissed off man sat himself down across from me, moved my newspaper and plopped his huge laptop onto the table.  He almost tipped my coffee over when he flipped open the screen.  I could feel his pissed off mood, and at one point, he mummbled "There's too many damn democrat haters here!!!"  I was surprised and didn't know to look up at him or slowly get myself out of there.  Then he flipped someone off in the general direction of the barista and yelled out "IF ANYONE HAS A PROBLEM WITH ME, COME SAY IT TO MY FACE!"  

Lots of thoughts ran through my mind...is he going to flip the table over?  get out a gun and shoot me?  Is sitting across from this guy like working for the mobile crisis team?  Get me the heck out of here...wait, but I was here first!  I was pissed, scared, all while keeping a straight face.  My ending thought was, I'm just going to walk away.  So I finished my coffee, picked up my purse, and left.  Bizarre and Unerving.

Amazing

I can't believe I'm living through the inauguration of President Obama.  I watched it in my living room by myself and was tearing by myself (well, along with the 1.4 million people in DC probably) at all the different points...even that special music presentation "Air and Simple Gifts" and Aretha Franklin singing "My Country Tis' of Thee".  I learned that song in 2nd grade!  

I took a whole year's worth of classes on U.S. history through the 1960's at UCLA.  We read about MLK Jr., and all the others who lived and fought in the civil rights movement.  This is a moment for all those who dared to hope.  I've never decribed myself as patriotic, but I think when my husband, a citizen of another country, looks at me like "what is going on inside of you?", I realize what it means to be American and being connected to our country's past.  Maybe also I realize I finally have a past and lived enough years to actually live through cultural and political change.

Amazing.  Amazing.

Inauguration Jan 20th

I got chills reading about the Inaugural Schedule:

http://pic2009.org/pages/schedule/

abandonement

Being abandoned is the nightmare of a child.  So helpless, clueless, and lost is the child without a trustworthy person.  

An adult is much more powerful, knowledgeable, and able to navigate the world.  Yet, the fear of being abandoned never really leaves.  Maybe it's no longer about being left alone to fend for yourself.  It's the question of, "am I loved?" and if not, then "I don't mean much?" and if I don't mean much, then "why should I exist?"  It's a fear of mortality.  

Another option is to become fiercely independent.  If you build your life apart from others, the problem disappears.  But who would want to settle for that, unless you had no hope in people.

A good one is the leave first before anyone else leaves.  If you are the first to jump ship, you never get left behind.  But what slavery that is to live under dictates of a fear.  It's cowardice and self-centeredness, all in one.

In the end though, we all get abandoned, because death takes people away and it is the surest thing.  This though, is the finest example of the possibility of being loved completely and fully, and still being abandoned.  The good news is, people leaving us does not necessarily mean they don't love us.  It also means that it does not have to bear on our value, nor shake our right to take up space on this earth.  What it tells us is possibility that people love us the best that they can.  In their limits, in their own darkness of the soul, they love us the best that they can.

My back...

An article on back pain and it's etiology.  With the growing knowledge of how our minds are connected to our physical bodies, this could really help a lot of people out there with chronic back pain.  

http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/478840